| A bag of tees costs how much? |
| All the hats are yellow |
| Electric carts never die at the turn |
| Fairways repel |
| Hazards attract |
| If you had to get up at five in the morning, got paid peanuts for working like a dog outdoors the whole day in all kinds of weather, and then took a lot of crap from a bunch of jerks, where would you put the pins? |
| If you stop for a beer at the end of the round, you will hear someone bitching about shooting a 78 |
| If you stop for lunch between nines, you will overhear a conversation featuring the words "choke" and "shank" |
| It never starts raining in the middle of the 18th hole |
| It's always winter somewhere |
| No one ever got a blister walking to the first tee |
| Nothing straightens out a slice faster than a sharp dogleg to the right |
| On courses where the yardage is on the sprinkler heads, the nearest one will be 40 yards away, it will be blank, and it will turn on as you're looking at it |
| Out of Bounds is always on the right Two-thirds of the holes are uphill The wind is in your face on 15 of the holes |
| Remember, there are no referees in golf- it's up to you and you alone to decide if you're entitled to a free kick |
| The fancier the course, the greater the risk of food poisoning |
| The only cheap balls are Top Flite X-outs |
| The people on the greenkeeping staff always look like they took the job because a golf course is such a perfect place to dispose of all the bodies |
| The people who buy houses on golf courses always seem surprised to discover that a game in which balls are hit with considerable force is being played practically in their backyards |
| The practice putting green is much faster or a lot slower than the rest of the greens on the course |
| The pro shop has the kind of glove you like, but not your size |
| The shortest distance between any two points on a golf hole is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree |
| The tees are always back The rough will be mown tomorrow The rake is in the other bunker |
| The worse your drive is stymied, the more perfectly it would have played on the previous hole |
| There's no ground that couldn't use a little repair |
| Trees never stop crooked shots |
| When hitting a ball out of the woods, remember that trees are mostly air, just like screen doors and practice nets |
| You can always nail the drive on a hole with no carry |
