| 99.99% of the universe is empty space, but that last .01% will stop a golf ball dead |
| A golf vacation is a trip taken by two or more players to a place where no one can remember when it rained so much |
| A stroke docs not count unless it has been observed by another golfer |
| Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives |
| Confidence evaporates in the presence of water |
| Even if a ball retriever extends to 40 feet, it will always be one foot too short to reach the ball |
| Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the equilibrium of the universe |
| If the moon had a more evenly dimpled surface and a hard rubber core, a couple of Out of Bounds stakes could pull it out of its orbit |
| If you brought it, you won't need it; if you need it, you didn't bring it |
| If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age |
| In the heat of a match, balls tend to rise to the surface of the rough |
| It takes a whole lot of pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard |
| It's easier to shrink your shoe size than to lower your handicap |
| Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, but it can be bent double, broken in half, stomped on, and hurled a considerable distance |
| One birdie is a hot streak |
| Removing raingear from the pocket of a golf bag instantly doubles its weight and triples its volume |
| Shooting your age is not a realistic goal —focus on shooting your weight |
| Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the first of the next group of three |
| Strokes always accumulate faster than they can be forgotten |
| The first golf bag down the chute of the airport luggage carousel belongs to a player waiting for it on another continent |
| The number of tees in the ball pocket of your bag is always less than 3 or more than 600 |
There are four forces affecting the motion of a golf ball:
1. Gravity, which causes the ball to drop suddenly into hazards
2. Electromagnetism, which makes the ball curve sharply towards whichever of the earth's poles is closest to the Out of Bounds stakes
3. The Weak Force, which makes the ball dribble to the ladies' tee
4. The Strong Force, which propels the ball directly towards a foursome of personal injury- lawyers in the adjacent fairway |
